


Angel Undercover

by Kissa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Dark, Fingering, Love Confessions, M/M, Parabatai Feels, Requited Love, Shower Sex, Unrequited Love, hard choices, social pressure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:47:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26719288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissa/pseuds/Kissa
Summary: Once you've had the happily ever after ending, it actually comes with terms and conditions. How do you break out from that and what is the cost? Alec has to find out first hand what the downside to loving an immortal is and that everyone loves a gay wedding, but no one has any empathy if there's problems in paradise.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Past Alec Lightwood/Magnus Bane - Relationship
Comments: 49
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It has been brought to my attention a phrase I use in here may puzzle or mislead readers so I'm including the Urban Dictionary explanation so you guys know what Jace means. 
> 
> "to turn out:  
> To turn a good person with minimal or shy sexual experience into a freaky sex hungry nympho!"
> 
> Jace uses it to compliment Alec :) And that's all I'm saying, you need to read the fic ;)

_I hate the world today_  
 _You're so good to me_  
 _I know but I can't change_  
 _Tried to tell you_  
 _But you look at me like maybe_  
 _I'm an angel underneath_  
 _Innocent and sweet_  
(Meredith Brooks - Bitch)

***

When Alec visited back home, he didn’t catch Jace around.

Clary had returned to the Shadow World, only to break up with Jace, because on closer inspection, they were at totally different points in their lives and wanted different things from a relationship.

Jace was on leave and he hadn’t answered Izzy’s texts in a week. He was alright, though, she could tell because they had social media now, thanks to Clary and Simon, and Jace’s photostream kept updating itself with pics of him drunk, surrounded by beautiful and scantily clad mundanes.

“You look so pale and skinny, big brother! Tell Magnus to take you to Greece for a bit, so you can bask in the sun and regain some colour in your cheeks.” Izzy said, seeing her brother looking rather withered for someone who was supposedly on a prolonged honeymoon.

Alec just looked at her with glittering eyes and for a moment it seemed as though he wanted to say something, but he contented himself to smile and hug Izzy, thanking her for her caring words.

He went to his old room, the one he had grown up in, the one where as kids, Jace and Izzy would seek refuge and come crowd him so he could read them mundane horror stories. He lay down on the made bed, closing his eyes and recognising the scent between the sheets at once.

 _Jace_.

He would have liked to see his parabatai and maybe hug him while he was visiting. He was disappointed he could not, and he tried to tell himself he could do that the next time.

But who even knew when the next time would be?

He had never been good at handling being alone. He went to dinner in the communal hall and then excused himself, coming to bed early and slipping under the covers after showering.

Alec closed his eyes and imagined himself a few years back, when his biggest concern was his parents noticing his crush on Jace and separating them.

Keeping up appearances for the sake of others was a drain on his energy, so regardless how sad and lonely he felt in the moment, he fell asleep pretty quickly.

In the morning, when he went down to have breakfast, he saw a very sleepy looking Jace already sitting at the same table with Izzy, Simon and Clary.

Jace looked even younger and prettier than he remembered him and Alec’s heart spasmed painfully in his chest. Was this the effect of distance and long time not seeing him? Or had Jace done something that enhanced his angelic glow?

He looked… lighter. Carefree, Alec thought. His first instinct was to run over and pick Jace up so he could smother him in a hug. But he remembered propriety and the fact he was the Inquisitor now, and a married man. He couldn’t just _Ryan Gosling in The Notebook_ his parabatai.

Jace saw him approach and beamed at him, but he reined in his enthusiasm, picking up on Alec’s reserved mood. He settled for a handshake over the table, but his mismatched eyes said “catch me later”.

After breakfast, Jace asked Alec if he wanted to spar, for old times’ sake, but Alec refused. He apologised and asked Jace to not take it personally, but he wasn’t feeling like it right then.

In truth, he was feeling the small sharp bites of envy on his soul.

He had left Jace a wandering, homeless ghost, and he had returned to find him thriving and writing Shadowhunter history with his heroic deeds in the field.

Meanwhile, he was suffering and he couldn’t talk to anyone.

Well.

Eventually, Jace got him to open up. It took a lot of coaxing, and Jace having to catch Alec up on what he had been up to first.

They went to the roof of the Institute, which had always been their Place for having heart-to-hearts.

Jace told him he had gone to therapy. He had found a kooky lady therapist who encouraged him to face the demons from his childhood, to parent the child who hadn’t grown because he hadn’t been raised. She had sent him to an African Dance class and they had made a deal that he would attend two weeks of the class and then he would get a reward.

In the end, he had stuck to his end of the deal and, like magic, the three amazing Black women who taught the class had managed what no warlock and no Silent Brother had - Jace had begun to experience joy again. To look forward to the next day and the next class. To do things for the sake of doing them, without wondering if the others would approve.

Alec had noticed Jace held himself differently, that he had a sway in his hips he hadn’t seen before, and his frame had filled out in a very attractive way. He was no longer lean like a racing hound, but muscular and streamlined like a big cat.

“Alright, your turn now. Spill. Tell Aunty Parabatai everything.” Jace said, but quickly went back to being serious. “Look, man. I can tell something’s dead wrong, so don’t lie to me.”

Alec closed his eyes and winced.

Straight for the jugular, as always.

“I’m lonely,” he began. “I don’t like being Inquisitor. I’m not a good husband. Magnus is disappointed, I can tell, but he’s too decent a man to blame me.”

“Alec, you’re super young, even in mundane terms. We’re at an age where mundanes only worry about picking a career and not getting too wasted at parties. You were Head of the Institute, then you got married, then you became Inquisitor. That’s a heavy load to carry on your own.”

“No one in Alicante is friend material. Everyone is so fake and interest-driven.”

“Fuck politics. It’s why I stay away. But you don’t have to talk to those fuckers. How about Luke? Or Maryse?”

“Mother would have my hide if I dared complain even the slightest bit. After tanning said hide.”

“What about Magnus? As High Warlock, he has experience with leadership and responsibility. Or...Izzy.”

“Nah, I don’t want it to get out that I regret my decisions.”

“Wait. You said nothing about regret before.”

Alec looked at the setting sun, at the spot in the distance that looked like arson among the clouds.

“Well, the cat’s out of the bag.” He sighed. “I can’t. I feel like, if I admit I failed, my failure is political. There are so many who are hoping my marriage dissolves and who would throw a fucking street parade to celebrate my divorce.”

“Hol… up. But what’s really wrong? You and Magnus are in love! What the fuck.” Jace was sweating now. He drew comfort from knowing Alec at least had his shit together and was living the life. Now it turned out it was all just a front?

“Correction: were. The problem is me, as usual. And Magnus is immortal, young and attractive and he can make the rocks on the road fall for him. I… I can’t do a lot of things.”

“What are you trying to say, Alec?” Jace asked carefully.

Alec looked away for a long time, obviously thinking of a decent way to say what he needed to say.

“Turns out I’m not as good at or as into sex as I thought. I thought stuff just happens. And I can’t… go past a certain point. Magnus has this long list of famous people he’s banged, and everyone was excellent in bed and I’m there, crying and saying no and maybe next time and... “

“So? Asexuality is a thing. You can be attracted to men romantically and not want to fuck them. If the love is there, there should be no issue.”

“That’s the problem, there is no love. Magnus… and I don’t begrudge him this, I think I understand him in a way, he is immortal and he collects experiences and people. He has to, in order to not lose his sanity. But he was drawn to me because I was new, and a virgin, and the first Shadowhunter he wanted to fuck. Now I’m just someone who is sulking in his house.”

“But you guys have so much in common! You used to have so much fun! I saw you, while you were still back here.”

“What Magnus and I have in common now is alcohol. And by the way, not even that helps me relax. And it’s stupid because I like seeing Magnus naked, I like it when he cuddles up to me for sleep. I like… other things too. Just not the main event. And Magnus is pissed. And frustrated, understandably. He loves sex and he thinks it’s essential to make love persist over time.”

“Bull shit. You love me and I know it. I feel it, and your dick’s never been near my ass. Nor did I ever expect it to be.”

“We’re parabatai. It’s different.” Alec said, a bit too quickly.

_If you only knew how different._

Jace tilted his head and watched Alec, as though waiting for an unspoken truth to write itself across Alec’s features.

“At any rate, I’ll be by your side. Even if you decide to do something stupid. I’ll be there with you.” Jace said, resting a comforting hand on Alec’s shoulder. “Dr Quinn says sometimes it pays to take a jump even when you don’t know for sure what’s below. And that some people are worth the crazy acts they inspire you to do. But then again, she did date a mafia boss.”

“I can’t, Jace. I feel like this would be the fairest option, especially to Magnus, who deserves to be happy, have fun and have sex. Not stay in and play with his cats every evening until they are all tired and he runs out of stuff to do. I see him watching other people. I want to set him free. But us getting a divorce is going to upset everyone in the Shadow World.”

“Alec, you walked out on Lydia on your wedding day because you were fed up with living for others. Back then you said fuck the Clave and fuck what Maryse wanted from you. And now you’re going to live in utter misery because you’ll annoy the gay Shadowhunters?”

“What do you suggest I do?”

“What do you want to do? What do you need to do?”

_Break the law and break Magnus’ heart so he can move on is what I want to do. But I can’t, Angel, please understand I can’t._

“The way I see it, you can do whatever you want.” Jace said. His face lit up at his own words, an idea having presented itself. “Tell you what. Before any further big decisions and deep talks, I’m taking you to the movies. Get up.”

Alec was physically dragged out of the Institute and into New York, to a neighbourhood cinema where Venom was playing.

Jace bought them loveseat tickets, so they could sit together and snuggle comfortably like back when they were kids.

Once they got out into the night, Alec smiled and took Jace’s hand in his.

“You know, you made your point. I am Eddie and you are Venom. The devil on my shoulder. You’ve always been.”

“But… I’m the angel boy, don’t you know?” Jace said, his grin the opposite of innocent and actually hearkening to Venom’s big mouth full of teeth.

“You’ve always been my biggest secret and my most beloved sin, Jace. If you’d liked me back in that way, hell, if you’d even wanted to play with me and throw me away after, it would all be so simple. But the truth is… no marriage of mine was going to work.”

The cover of night had made him bolder and he now had the guts to say the words he could not say at the Institute.

“I’ve committed an unforgivable sin towards Magnus. I’ve been cheating on him with you since that day we faced the memory demon. And we weren't even dating back then.”

Jace listened in silence, knowing Alec wasn’t done spilling.

“You’re the only one who made me feel special and unique in my brokenness, not like someone who needed fixing. You’re the only one who makes me feel powerful and in control, whereas with Magnus I feel like a helpless child. I don’t know what to do, because I’m in love with you, and it’s not letting me live! And I know you love me, but not in that way.”

Alec went silent and looked down. He had spewed his darkest, most shameful truth out at Jace’s feet and Jace was still there with him, holding his hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Jace talk things out before Alec has to return home in Idris.

“I want you to listen to me carefully, Alec, because this is really important.” He said, surprisingly dark in tone. “I’ve been in love with you since I was thirteen, but I vowed to myself I would never say anything because you are good and pure and you deserve protecting. I saw the way your parents treated you, I saw how the others treated you, how much you had to suffer, and I didn’t want to risk being a source of that suffering too. I’m bad at love, Alec. Look at me. I have nothing to my name. I belong nowhere. I was not able to hold on to Clary.”   
  
“Good.” Alec said. “Because it killed me to see you with her. I could never stand her pushy and arrogant way of being. I dreaded having to see you trail after her like a dog on a leash. It was a big part of why I never came to visit in so long. Also, the shame of paradise not being so very nice.”    
  
“Alec, me returning the feelings is not the problem. The problem is even if we did get together, it would not be the healthiest relationship ever. We’d need to work at it. A lot. I’d never play with you and throw you away, like you said, because you’re endgame for me. We’d have to find a way to bring all the dark, ugly shit into the light and examine it.”   
  
“We could go to your therapist together. Dr Quinn you said?”    
  
“We could. But I’m saying it now so it doesn’t hurt ten million times more later: you have to decide if this is worth leaving Magnus. Or if it’s better to try and fix things with him. He loves you, Alec. And you love him.”    
  


“Why the fuck are you so invested in Magnus’ and my staying together? I already told you, there’s nothing anymore. And I hate how everyone just placates me and tells me to work harder at it and put my needs aside and reminding me it’s my problem. No one is telling Magnus that just because he finds someone hot doesn’t mean that someone has to be fucked!”   
  
He could cry. His voice was faltering, but he held back his tears, knowing he would crumble and be a mess for the rest of the night if he let himself go down that road.    
  


“Alec. I love you. I want you to be happy. Even if that means it’s not with me.” Jace said. He led them to a small neighbourhood park-cemetery and they sat on a bench on one of the main alleys.    
  
“Jace, you say you want me now, but what about my problem? The one that’s making my marriage fall apart?”    
  
“The sex part?” Jace asked, shrugging. “Not everything has to revolve around sex and we’re not mundanes. We’re not even like other Shadowhunters. We’re parabatai, and I don’t need to fuck you to love you. From what you said, it’s not physical affection you have a problem with, it’s just the fucking. For me it’s about the commitment, being partners, choosing each other over and over and solving shit together. Which is why I don’t see how Magnus, in his great wisdom, doesn’t see that he can love you and be with you even if he doesn’t get to put his dick in you.”    
  
“Because that’s a problem. I am a problem. He married me thinking I was young and hot and eager. And I thought that too. But then it wasn’t like that anymore and he feels scammed. I don’t blame him! It should fucking work naturally. I hoped it would. But it doesn’t, not with me. And he’s begun suggesting we bring other people into our relationship.”    
  
“And you don’t want that.”    
  
“No, I don’t. And I feel super unreasonable for it. Like, I’m not fucking him, but I’m also not letting him fuck other people.”   
  
“That’s your right, Alec. He married you. He promised he’d put you and your needs first, even when it’s hard to do so.”   
  
Alec sighed and closed his eyes tightly.    
  
“It must be easy for you to say. I bet you’ve never met anyone who didn’t want to have sex with you.”    
  
Jace shrugged.    
  
“I’ve also never met someone who wanted to love me. Look, Alec. I can put my dick in a lot of things. Seelies. Mundanes. Girls. Guys. A hole in a tree or in a fence. But it doesn’t give me what I need, which is feeling loved. Everyone wants to say they got to bang the angel boy. So I stopped fucking around. Sex is nothing more than an uncoordinated workout if there’s nothing else going on there. I’ve had more satisfying sparring sessions with you than any bang I can think of. Because there’s love between us, and all the good stuff.”    
  
Alec was silent after that, obviously giving Jace’s words a lot of thought. It was hard to accept it all at once, because he was used to him being the problem, others blaming him and him taking the blame. It seemed unlikely that his super hot parabatai would not view his problem as a problem at all, when everyone else did.  
  
Jace offered silent comfort, hugging him and letting him hide his face in his shoulder. Alec noticed Jace had changed his perfume and was using something a lot less offensive to the nose now. It was actually quite a beautiful fragrance, that harmonised with his scent. He wanted to hide out there in Jace's arms forever. 

But at least their talk gave him a little ray of hope and he stopped feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place.    
  
When he returned to Alicante the next day, he looked more composed and he was smiling with more ease again. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Jace are reunited after Alec moves back to the New York Institute. Readjusting will take a while.

A whole year went by since the night of Alec’s conversation with Jace. A year during which they only saw each other in public, and always in Magnus’ and others’ presence.  
  
Jace remained single and not looking, and although he was the most desired catch in all of Idris, he refused even the offers for temporary fun.  
  
One sunny October day, Alicante shook with the aftershocks of a great release of magic.  
  
Magnus had traveled to a hell realm, gathering all the power he could find, effectively robbing many of the greater demons of everything they had, looking for a way to power up a spell that would fix Alec’s problem with intimacy and consequently, their marriage.  
  
All his spell managed to do was first scare and then upset Alec.  
  
“Did you just blast hell energy at me? A Nephilim?” Alec asked. “Your husband, whom you swore to love and protect?”  
  
“I’m out of options, Alexander! And you will soon be out of time!” Magnus sat on his living room sofa, admitting defeat. “Please don’t hate me. I tried to fix this, fix us.”  
  
“Not like this. Magnus, you could have killed me. You didn’t know for sure if it would work.” 

“You know what? You lied to me, Alec. You tricked me into thinking getting married was this great romantic idea. That it would work between a warlock and a Nephilim. But you’re nothing but a child who wants to have his cake and eat it too. You say you’re upset by my souvenirs from past lovers, but you refuse to give me new memories to make me forget that cursed box, at least for a while!”  
  
“At no point did I lie to you, Magnus. I love you.”  
  
“You did lie, intentionally or not. You are a grown man, responsible for your actions. You led an Institute full of lethal Shadowhunters under the Clave’s laws. You are not in the position to wishful-think everything into being the way you want it. Other people are involved in your life plans too. I wish you hadn’t proposed to me, if you didn’t want all that marriage entails. It’s bad enough that I have to live in Jace’s shadow and know nothing I do will ever make me first on your priority list.”  
  
“You did not just drag Jace into this. You think of Jace way more than I do, Magnus. I don’t even know where he is! I can say the same to you: you’re an old and wise warlock, why the hell did you get involved with a Shadowhunter who was barely of age and didn’t know better, and who has a parabatai you cannot stand?”  
  
“I like Jace just fine, for himself. However, the fact you belong to your parabatai but not to me is eating at me. And it will not go away, no matter what I do. And I admit I rushed into it too. As I said before, you awakened something in me.”  
  
“How was I supposed to know, Magnus? You said it yourself, I was young and idealistic. And I’m sorry. But I don’t know how to change myself to make you happy. Other than letting you do what you want and hope I get the hang of it along the way.”  
  
Magnus rolled his eyes.  
  
“That would be rape, Alec. That you would even suggest it and allow it for the sole reason of pleasing me is as heartbreaking as it is disturbing. I have my theory. If I let you go, you’ll eventually find your happiness with someone else. Maybe someone closer to you in age, and mortal. Maybe you will even run to Jace and resume being his faithful shadow. However, our divorce would cause a lot of tensions for you at work. For some reason, everyone is invested in us lasting. Even those who would love to see us split - deep down, they want to be wrong because they might not suffer their Inquisitor being married to a warlock, but they want to believe that love does conquer all.”  
  
“Honestly, fuck every single one of those people, together and separately. Not literally, of course, but this political bullshit is going to put me in an early grave.” Alec said. “I don’t want to separate. I want us to find a way to still have a marriage. I love you, Magnus. Even if it’s in a way that’s not enough.”  
  
It took all of Magnus' strength to get the next words out.  
  
“I am done with this marriage. I will always have a special place for you in my heart, but we both made a big mistake. Perhaps time will be kind to you and allow you to experience a profound and all-encompassing romance, but I cannot stand around and watch every day go by and feel like you are a living piece of art in my house.” He said, getting up and taking off his wedding ring. “This is it, Alexander. I divorce you. I expect you to be gone by sunrise and I will portal you to wherever you want.”  
  
Alec needed time to wrap his head around what he had just heard.   
  
Magnus had done what he had been too afraid and too insecure to do. Now he was free.  
  
It still hurt to stand on the other side of a marriage after saying big and definitive words in front of witnesses. And he still felt hollow and sad. He wanted nothing but to snuggle in someone’s arms and cry. But he was no longer a child and he had no one.  
  
He had Jace, but who knew where Jace was right then. Probably on a mission, killing demons. Or with his mundane therapist.  
  
His belongings fit in a duffel bag, and his small collection of designer fashion pieces took only half of a wardrobe. He asked Magnus to send the stuff to his office and he’d sort it from there.

It still took him a month to return to New York. He stepped down from his Inquisitor job, a gesture saluted by the entire part of Idris that had disapproved of the Inquisitor being not only gay, but also married to a warlock, the most controversial one at that. 

In New York, Izzy gave him his old quarters back, winking and telling him the room had a pest.  
  
Alec smiled for the first time since he’d walked out of the house he had shared with Magnus. Said pest had left his scent all over the sheets and the towels and Alec knew why. It warmed his heart in a way he had been unknowingly dying for.  
  
The first couple of weeks were not as awkward as he thought. Jace was on a long mission tracking down a rogue warlock in the mundane world and he wasn’t there for those two weeks, but while the other Shadowhunters in the Institute were looking at Alec oddly, it was not with hostility, but with pity. Alec wished it had been hostility, but talking over meals with some of them told him they just felt it was stupid to give up the Inquisitor position, regardless of the shambles his personal life was in. But beyond that, no one gave a hoot about his separation and eventual divorce.  
  
Divorce which still had to be finalized, and Alec felt himself grow distant and uncaring for the piece of paper that would arrive by courier whenever the Clave bureaucrats decided to get off their asses and issue it. 

Izzy tried to reach him and let him know she was there for him and Alec decided to make an effort and show up in his sister’s life a bit more. As Head of the Institute, she had everyone working and living there on her inventory and she was a much more caring and involved leader than Alec had ever wanted to be. But it was proving a very effective leadership style and he admired her for it. He also had no problem working under his little sister. 

Upon seeing the utterly minimalistic state of his wardrobe, Izzy made it her mission to take Alec shopping and replenish his drips. She even threatened him with a citation if he refused to take appropriate measures to ensure a seamless integration in the New York Institute’s customs.

  
She knew his taste, understated chic, so he got many new bomber jackets with intricate detailing, dress shirts in muted, dark tones but which fit him perfectly, and the fitted but extremely elegant dark trousers he wore in the field, which, on him, could pass for formal trousers just as well. Izzy also talked him into picking out a few tasteful pieces of jewelry.  
  
She put everything on the Clave’s tab as administrative expenses and when they got back to the Institute, she was beaming with contentment for reasons extremely apparent to her, but yet completely unknown to Alec, who wondered why his sister was so invested in buying him new threads. 

It all became obvious when Jace returned from his mission and did a double take seeing Alec runing some arrows in a corner.  
  
“I swear I will hug the lights out of you, but once I get out of these sweaty and ichor-stained clothes!” He told Alec and ran to his room to shower.  
  
Alec smiled crookedly and finished runing his arrows. He didn’t like having to interrupt one action for another, so he appreciated being allowed to finish.  
  
When Jace returned, Alec forgot to breathe.  
  
His parabatai had put on a white muscle tank that read “I put the fun in funeral” and tastefully distressed blue jeans.  
  
Alec only now noticed Jace had gotten into the habit of wearing rings too, and while the detail should have reminded him of Magnus, the rings were so different from the chunky and dazzling pieces Magnus used to gravitate towards, that Alec didn’t even think of _those_ rings as he appreciated the way the thin silver bands looked on Jace’s hands.  
  
Jace did as he had promised and ran directly over to Alec, tackling him in an almost aggressive hug.  
  
“It’s SO GOOD to have you back.” He said. The small phrase seemed generic, but it held a crushing admission.  
  
Ever since Alec had left in favor of the respectable Clave representative and married man life, Jace hadn’t felt like he belonged anywhere. Izzy, Clary and Simon were his friends and loved him in their way, but he missed his parabatai every moment of every day and that had been painfully obvious to everyone.  
  
Alec couldn’t take his eyes off of Jace. When Jace released him from the hug, he was unable to hide the hunger in his eyes. It wasn’t even a sexual hunger, but the limping, remaining and fighting to stay afloat part of his soul greedily gravitating towards Jace’s soul, where it could feel whole and breathe again.  
  
The feeling was overwhelming and for long minutes, Alec simply held Jace close, taking him in through all his senses, unable to tear himself away.  
  
“You look fantastic, man. You’re taking looking better in black to a whole new level. Is that Versace? Fuck me… that’s so extra… and it looks so good.” Jace spoke, his arms still on Alec’s shoulders.  
  
They no longer looked like two friends or brothers reconnecting and everyone passing them by thought _parabatai are so ridiculously intense._  
  
Alec had his hands on the bare skin on Jace’s sides, where the muscle tank left it exposed, and his fingers were lightly kneading and caressing the soft skin there. 

“Get ready, I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate your being back!” Jace then said, lighting up at the prospect. “You don’t need to change.”  
  
“But Jace, we always eat dinner with everyone else, in the dining hall?” Alec said, confused.  
  
“Not this time. Just… trust me.” Jace said and grabbed his leather jacket. “Let’s go.”  
  
Alec followed his parabatai out of the Institute and to a family owned little place that made the tastiest tapas platters. Everything looked so inviting and was bite-sized, arranged beautifully on decorative plates. It left Alec and Jace time to talk while they devoured everything that was on the table between them.  
  
Alec wondered if that was a date, considering Jace had never taken him anywhere before. Not even to fast food places. But it didn’t feel stiff like a date and they were not in a dressy, uptight place. It was just them, easy, uncomplicated, only a bit more mature now. Alec decided he liked the experience.  
  
He knew another talk was overdue between them, but this time around, he didn’t fear it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace takes Alec to his therapist, who reads Alec like an open book.

“Are you sure this is the place?” Alec asked, very tempted to deglamour his bow. As it was, he had a small seraph dagger in his hand, held ready to strike.  
  
They were in an abandoned factory, at night, and the only sounds that reached them were the squeaks of rats finding things to gnaw at in the dark.  
  
“Trust me. I told you Dr Quinn is not like all the other therapists.” Jace said, confidently finding his way to the back of the factory and kicking a metal sheet door aside. They went down a corridor and some stairs, crossing an inner courtyard, and there, Alec could see a building that was obviously in use. The lights were on, it was clean and inviting, and he could hear music from inside.

The door burst open and a young, pale, covered in scribble tattoos woman stepped out, looking at them.  
  
“Finally! Jace, what took you so long?... Oh my goooood! Matchy-matchy!!!!” She got distracted by seeing Alec and the similar runes visible on him and Jace. “I didn’t know you came as a set. Like Salt and Pepper, or Vinegar and… nevermind. Come in, I don’t have much time and I need to make a run for it before dawn.”  
  
Her office looked a lot like any psychiatrist’s office, with two exceptions. The HUGE arsenal of mundane weapons on her desk and the hyena snoozing in a corner.  
  
Alec was terrified. Who was this crazy woman and how had Jace found her? And more importantly, how come she was managing to help him, where warlocks, Silent Brothers and Clave-approved psychiatrists had failed?  
  
Jace took a seat on the small sofa in front of the doctor’s desk and she went back to sit behind the desk, tinkering with something that Alec vaguely recognized as the mundane explosive called Semtex.  
  
“Care to catch me up? We agreed last time you’d talk to your excessively cute parabatai about how you feel. How are we on that?” She addressed Jace.  
  
“He’s here with me, isn’t he? And yeah, we had the talk. I told him I love him, that I’ve loved him since we were little kids. To a very satisfying, albeit slow outcome. But I don’t mind slow.”  
  
“So are you like, dating now?” the doctor asked.  
  
Jace looked at Alec, and Alec looked back at Jace.  
  
“We are.” They said in unison. Alec put his dagger away, berating himself for not taking a cue from Jace's relaxed behaviour. But then again, his chronic expecting the worst tendency had saved Jace's skin many times.

“And how’s the divorce going, Alec-boo?” She asked.  
  
Alec gasped. No one called him “boo”. Not even Magnus. No one dared to, yet there she was, doing it. He decided to let it go, certain it would not be the only shocking thing he’d hear that night.  
  
“Magnus and I are separated, and I’m waiting for the divorce certificate to be issued by the Clave so that it’s official.”  
  
“So there’s no chance of you and your ex going back together?”

“Well, I don’t know how much of my personal problems Jace has already shared with you,” Alec said, passive-aggressively, looking pointedly at Jace to let him know the doctor was WAY too up to date with his life. “But my marriage fell apart because I couldn’t have sex with my husband.”  
  
“So, from what I know so far, you were married to this centuries old, super powerful guy who’s banged everyone in the art history manual… and he absolutely couldn’t live with you not bending over for him?” The way she put it was trivial, gross even, but it gave Alec a perverse kind of satisfaction. It was what it boiled down to and he hadn’t had the detachment to be as cynical about it yet. But it was how it was.  
  
“Well actually, he divorced me because of Jace. He absolutely could not stand the fact that I have a parabatai and that Jace is my chosen soulmate.”  
  
The doctor rolled her eyes.  
  
“And how old were you when your ex met you?”  
  
“Eighteen.”  
  
“So, basically a child. I don’t know how it is in your world, but in mine, that’s not alright. You definitely didn’t have the same understanding of the world as your ancient-ass boyfriend.”  
  
“I did think everything would just magically work itself out. Magnus is very magical and he does tend to make everything easy with a flick of his fingers. I thought he could just as easily cure me of being what Jace, here present, would call ‘being a little bitch.’ “  
  
“Excuse you, I would NOT.” Jace interjected. “Especially not about you! I told you it’s okay to feel how you feel. I’ve known you for almost my entire life and I’ve seen all the things you’ve been through that made you into who you grew up to be. You’re the furthest thing from a little bitch.”   
  
“Hm, the way it looks from over here is like, with Magnus, you felt small and helpless, whereas in your daily life, at work and with Jace, you feel capable and in charge.” The doctor pointed out.  
  
“Well, not always capable and definitely not in charge, but I feel like my actions do matter.” Alec said. “I don’t think I have control issues. But with Magnus I felt I had none. Control, that is. ”  
  
“I think I’m starting to see where this is going.” The doctor said, pushing her quirky glasses higher up on her nose. 

“Huh?” Jace asked, not very elegantly.  
  
“Your grumpy-pants boyfriend here is not broken. There’s nothing wrong with him. Classic case of forgetting who he is because of how many expectations are placed on him from all sides. To spell it out, Alec feels robbed of his agency because it seems every relationship he is in, even with work, demands complete compliance from him." She then turned to Alec and continued, "that is why you hated being the Inquisitor, which is perceivably a position of power. You had to stick to the law even more than as a regular Shadowhunter. More scrutiny, more judgment, more pressure."  
  
“Magnus said Jace is the exception because Jace is safe. Because I know him and we’ve been together for so long.” Alec said, privately giddy about finally being split open, looked at and understood. 

“Jace is not _safe_. Jace is the only wildly unsafe thing in your life. And yet, you gravitate towards him.” The doctor said, smiling. “Have you ever broken the law to protect Jace?”  
  
“All the time. But that’s because it’s my duty.” Alec said.  
  
“Alec, you subconsciously sabotaged every area of your life because of the imposed need for you to obey the law and fulfill everyone’s expectations. However, you would burn the world down for Jace because you allow yourself to love him and to treat him the way you don’t think you deserve yourself.”  
  
Alec sat in his spot on the sofa, near Jace, unable to articulate a word for a while. She was right. She had seen right through him and she had put her finger right where it hurt.  
  
“Told you she is not just good, but the best.” Jace said, taking his hand and lacing their fingers together.

“But what do I do now? I don’t want to keep going like this until I drive even Jace away.” Alec said. “Being gay is not going to magically become acceptable in our society. And Jace is not gay, but I am and if we were to be publicly together, it would ruin his life.”  
  
“I think it’s time you viewed being gay as your superpower, that allows you to be everything you wanted and enjoy life. And maybe exercise some control in stopping yourself from thinking of others before yourself.” The doctor said, suddenly clapping her hands in delight. “I did it. Well, boys, it’s been a pleasure, but I have to run, I need to drop off a package at the bank.”  
  
When she left, the hyena woke up and ran after her like a trained dog, leaving the two Shadowhunters wondering what the hell they had just witnessed.  
  
“That was definitely a bomb,” Alec said on the way out.  
  
“What, you mean how she completely figured you out? Yeah, she’s amazing.” Jace said.  
  
“No, I mean, that too. But she built an explosive device while we were talking.”  
  
“Women and cats will do as they please.” Jace said, shrugging. “Let’s get out of here, I’m hungry and I happen to know we’re close to the best falafel place in the Western World.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Jace nearly die randomly during a hunt and their close encounter with the Lady with the Scythe brings them closer together.

Alec shoots not a moment too soon, the demon’s stinger falling limply to the floor before it touches Jace, and he confidently walks over to Jace, who pulls his sword out of the demon he just stabbed.  
  
Turning around, Jace looks at Alec with a hardened expression, and hate flares on his beautiful features right as he lunges forward, stabbing at Alec, nay, grasping Alec’s arm and bodily sliding him aside in a fluid display of strength and grace, his seraph blade incinerating the demon that had snuck up behind Alec, ready to strike.  
  
“We’re done here.” Jace says, looking around at the destroyed congress hall. The adrenaline is still pumping in his and Alec’s veins, and they are the last Shadowhunters left. Izzy, Simon and Clary already retreated with the wounded and the dead, leaving them to do the cleanup.  
  
Demonic attacks have been getting increasingly more severe ever since they killed Lilith and Magnus sent Asmodeus to the plane of nonexistence, out of time and space. With Edom destroyed, the Hell realm is unguarded and without a ruler, so it spills its abomination into the human world with disregard for the balance between worlds. Someone, or something, is making more demons, sending them out to test the new designs and to test the Shadowhunters’ ability to hold the fort.  
  
This time it was a pageant that quickly turned into a bloodbath as the mothers were all possessed at the same time.  
  
There’s ichor, blood and guts spilled all over, mixed with frills and sequins, Barbie dolls and cheap pageant crowns. Izzy and Clary protected the little girls, none older than 6, hiding them in a separate hall while the carnage raged in the ballroom. Of the adults though, no one made it, and a few Shdowhunters lost their lives too.  
  
Alec and Jace nearly died too, and this time it’s different. It feels too real, too close to home. After all the things they survived, getting poisoned by demons, away from backup or a handy warlock ready to lend a hand, would be nothing short of absurd.

But they made it solely because of their parabatai bond, which again had their backs even without them having to consciously move into action.  
  
They are still in fighting stances, Jace’s right hand on Alec’s left forearm and Alec’s hand on his right forearm, clasped together tightly, fingers digging into skin and muscle.  
  
They breathe hard, chests rising and dropping. Nothing in that cursed place is alive - nothing besides them.  
  
It’s like a switch is flipped and, like the two halves of a switchblade, they crash into each other, hands clinging and pulling at clothes. They have the self-preservation to re-sheath their weapons instead of dropping them, but their actions are instinctive, their souls taking over and craving the connection they were denied for so long.  
  
There is nothing shy or reserved about their kiss.  
  
Alec has only kissed one other person in his life, but it never felt like his life depended on it as it does now. Jace’s lips taste like blood and his mouth is hot, so hot as it fits perfectly onto his. Alec buries his fingers in Jace’s hair at first, holding him in place, making this feel real, making it last longer, letting the feeling of how right this is after so much wrong in his life trickle into him and fill him to the brim. Next, his hands roam lower, one arm around Jace’s neck, pulling him close, the other stretching down his back, over his hip, and Jace knows what he’s after, raising his leg and hooking it around Alec’s own hip until Alec’s hand cradles the back of his thigh.  
  
They don’t break the kiss while Alec wraps Jace around him and walks to the big, black piano in the corner, dropping Jace onto the keys as he continues to assault his parabatai’s mouth with a force Jace really hasn’t seen from him.  
  
He can feel Jace trembling beneath him, and the bond lets him know that Jace’s mind has left the scene, leaving only desire at the wheel.  
  
Alec wraps a hand around Jace’s chin and squeezes his jaw with his fingers, holding Jace’s mouth open so he can lick into it before he tears himself away to speak.  
  
The words come out dark and low, in a voice so thick with want it nearly sounds inhuman to Jace:  
  
“Don’t you dare leave me now, you reckless son of a bitch. Not now that I finally have you.”  
  
Jace shakes his head, making Alec drop his hand.  
  
“I could say the same to you. No more acting irresponsible.”  
  
Alec pulls Jace’s shirt low on his chest, biting a mark into a runed pec and sucking hard enough to bring the blood close to the surface of the skin. The spot will bruise later, something for Jace to remember this moment by.   
  
“You’re the reason I’m alive now, you know that.”  
  
Jace nods, swallows hard and seems to gather his wits for a moment. It’s intense and dysfunctional, clingy and codependent and maybe even toxic, but if anyone can navigate the dangerous waters of being parabatai and not succumb to the insanity lurking at the edges of their desire, it’s them.  
  
Jace’s hand comes up to caress the side of Alec’s face, and a few breaths pass between them without them moving.  
  
“Are you sure?” Jace asks, feeling his whole body draw taut like a bowstring.  
  
Alec breathes out the “dead sure” in that low, dangerous tone and Jace has to close his eyes momentarily.  
  
When he opens them again, Alec is sitting on the player’s chair in front of the piano. Between Jace’s legs.  
  
Frozen in place by the enormity of what they are about to do, Jace watches as Alec opens his jeans and takes him out. A small groan escapes Jace’s chest at feeling Alec’s hand on him for the first time. He has to resort to harsh words, spoken in a private corner of his mind in fake Michael Wayland’s voice to make his instinct to possess and claim coil back to slumber. This is all about Alec and what he needs.  
  
Jace watches Alec take a first lick up the whole underside of his cock, before wrapping his lips around the head. That’s where Jace’s sanity stops and the sound that leaves his mouth next is not of their world.  
  
Alec’s eyes are locked with his as he takes Jace in deep, swallowing around the length on his tongue.  
  
Jace feels his heart frantically beating in his chest and he looks for Alec’s hand on his hip, lacing their fingers together. He’s been blown countless times before, it’s the quickest and most effective way to get off and still keep a distance. Usually, Jace’s whole being is elsewhere while someone is sucking him off, because no one really wants the broken angel boy, they either want the hot guy that gave them the time of day in a bar, or the best Shadowhunter of his generation. Only a handful of close people know and love Jace for who he is and only Alec sees and loves all of him.  
  
So this feels different; grand and of life-changing importance. Seeing Alec between his legs, literally worship him, and knowing that was what Alec had wanted all along, was too much to take. He knew he would not last and at this point he was past caring and past any semblance of decorum. 

Alec looked drugged, even as he very purposefully took Jace apart, igniting heat in every place he touched him, from his hands resting on Jace’s bare skin on his hips, under his shirt, to his mouth around Jace's cock.  
  
He must have thought Jace still looked still too composed for his taste, because he pulled off briefly, but only to do away with the last traces of Jace’s grip on himself.  
  
“You taste so good, I’m going to suck you hollow, until every bit of you is inside me.”  
  
To anyone else, the words would have sounded insane, but they made Jace groan and throw his head back. He felt Alec take him back in using just his lips, no help from his hands, before he resumed sucking him with a determination that matched his stated intention.  
  
Jace did feel as though he was being pulled out of himself when he came, and he watched Alec swallow carefully and slowly bring him down even as Alec’s own lazy contentment reached him through their bond. He thanks whatever angels were watching and condoning this from the skies above for them being the only ones there because Alec made him scream his pleasure to the skies, the sound bouncing off the curved ceiling of the venue.  
  
The realisation that Alec had come in his pants just from sucking him off hit Jace with another wave of arousal and he looked at Alec with a new appreciation.  
  
He didn’t even have the presence to tuck himself back into his jeans, but he did use his regained control of his voice to tell Alec:  
  
“I was so wrong about this. You are going to turn me OUT, Alec Lightwood,” Jace said, fully aware of the fact that this facet of Alec was only for him.  
  
He slid downward into Alec’s lap, wrapping himself around his parabatai once again, kissing him slowly, a lot less needily and much softer this time.  
  
Alec kissed him back for a moment, before he smiled into the kiss and moved away, but only to do what Jace had been too gone to do, which was tuck him back into his underwear and jeans.  
  
“We should go back before Izzy sends a search party for us.” He said, “but not before we stop by the facilities here. I have something to take care of.”  
  
Jace waited outside the men’s room for Alec to make himself presentable again, although he couldn’t get rid of his wrecked and pleased expression, which lingered on his face and was most noticeable in his eyes. Izzy would know, unless she had already gone to bed.  
  
Jace himself was slow to restart all his systems, needing the walk in the cold night air to come back to his usual senses.  
  
He was even more surprised when, after showering and getting into bed, an equally freshly showered Alec entered his room and motioned for him to scoot over, climbing in next to him and resting his head on Jace’s chest. It was soon clear he didn’t want to talk or stay up otherwise, he just needed the closeness and hearing Jace’s heart beating next to his.  
  
Today had been close. Really close and they had both been made aware of how fleeting their lives were. Which was why earlier they had jumped each other’s bones so aggressively and why Alec needed the physical comfort and the tenderness now. And, if Jace was honest, he needed it too. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec returns from an unsuccessful mission to Idris, but the fight isn't over. And now he has more to fight for.

The next few weeks gave them few occasions to steal away from their duties as the surge in demon activity went even higher.  
  
The Shadowhunters of the New York Institute were able to find the problem: multiple, big rifts between realms at conveniently secluded places, and the remaining greater demons from other hellish realms having an increased interest in Earth now that Edom was no longer.  
  
Izzy sent Alec on a mission to Idris, to persuade the Clave to organise a concerted attack on the rifts, with teams made of Shadowhunters and warlocks, who could close the rifts working together.  
  
Alec was laughed out of the Accords Hall.  
  
What they told him to his face was that warlocks would not risk so many of their own to fix what they perceived to be a Shadowhunter problem. Then, it was the Clave’s perception that the rifts would be best dealt with one by one.  
  
And finally, the unspoken words, which Alec was able to read loud and clear in the Clave members’ eyes as they looked down upon him, were a vote of distrust towards him, a man who was unable to live up to his own personal promises of forever.  
  
Everyone comforted him when he returned defeated to the New York Institute.  
  
Izzy and Simon told him they were frankly not expecting the Clave to approve their plan and that they would have been shocked if the Clave had ruled in favour of doing something strategically smart for once, something that also prevented the unnecessary spilling of Shadowhunter blood. At least like this, it would be in the records that they had tried to reason with their ruling body before it all went to hell in a handbasket. 

Clary immediately saw what had upset Alec more than the official rejection, which he had anticipated anyway, and she hugged him sympathetically and told him “the donkey’s songs are not heard in heaven”, making Alec laugh briefly and ask “am I the donkey or the heaven in this?”  
  
Jace had just shoved an iced bottle of Guinness in his hand, spiking it with some cassis liqueur and clinking his own bottle to Alec’s, saying “fuck the Clave” instead of “cheers”.  
  
It was strange how much the Institute felt like family now, even more so than before, when his blood family had all been there living under the same roof.  
  
But Alec felt warm inside and he felt like he belonged with these people, his people, and he allowed himself to slouch against Jace’s side as the others talked about how they would deal with the newer, meaner demons from now on. 

That night, while showering before bed, he was interrupted by Jace, who walked in on him, a questioning eyebrow raised.  
  
Alec nodded. He needed the closeness but he felt like he was too greedy if he asked, so he was grateful Jace had come to him.  
  
Jace undressed and joined him under the shower, helping him wash his back and not stopping when that was done. He squeezed some more shower gel in his palms and washed Alec all over with daring fingers, mapping all the places, known and new on his parabatai’s body.  
  
Alec turned in Jace’s arms and leaned down for a kiss, letting Jace feel his need. He let Jace have control of the kiss and push him against the wall of the shower cabin.  
  
Jace couldn’t get enough of the small sounds he was able to pull from Alec. Alec who was usually so reserved and serious, and who was now melting like butter against his lips and fingertips. He licked a trail from Alec’s lips down his jaw, to the side of his neck where his pulse beat against the skin and Jace’s mouth. He sucked a relentless mark into that spot, loving the keening sound it earned him from Alec, and the desperate squirming between the wall and Jace’s body. Alec’s fingers tried to find purchase on the wet tiles of the wall, and Jace was glad they found none. He raked his fingers down through Alec’s chest hair, across the thin muscles stretched over his ribs and over his abs, until he reached Alec’s hard cock, which stood trapped between them.  
  
Jace’s soapy hand wrapped around the hard length and he groaned at the feel of it. He swallowed Alec’s gasp at the first stroke, angling the shower spray in such a way that it rinsed them both.  
  
“Jace… Jace, you don’t have to. I can-”  
  
“None of that now,” Jace growled, pushing Alec back against the wall and watching the last traces of foam go down the drain at their feet.  
  
Next, he knelt before Alec and took him in his mouth, moaning at the overwhelming sensation, even as his hands found their place on Alec’s ass.  
  
Jace did not do anything by half measures, and Alec couldn’t keep his eyes open and look at Jace on his knees before him. It seemed so sinful and wrong - Jace didn’t kneel, as a rule - but the fact that his parabatai wanted to give him this was exciting and humbling at the same time.  
  
Jace opened the bond from his side and Alec felt his desire wash over him like a tsunami of heat, drowning him for a long moment. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, mewling in abandon and pushing his hips forward wantonly. His body preferred to listen to Jace over him from then on, with Jace’s hands digging into Alec’s glutes and pushing him forward.  
  
Jace choked on the cock in his mouth, overwhelmed at first. But he was also a perfectionist to the bitter end, so much so that he didn’t back down until he got the hang of how the whole sucking motion worked, finding a way to breathe in between the slides of Alec’s cock down his throat.  
  
Alec was too far gone to look. His reservations about letting Jace go through with it vanished the moment he felt Jace’s enjoyment of the act through the bond. It was no longer about Jace preserving his pride and never tapping out, it was about Jace loving being able to take Alec apart in this way as well. Alec himself felt like he was the instrument to Jace’s pleasure and that allowed him to shut down his mind and his worries so he could enjoy his parabatai quickly bringing him close to a shuddering, massive release.  
  
Jace’s mouth around his cock felt like an out of this world touch, perhaps something only allowed to the angels, something that he by sheer luck had received for himself.

Jace also made the most sinful, explicit sounds around the treat in his mouth. He hadn’t even thought of using hands to help things along, both his palms still on Alec’s ass, fingers kneading at the hard muscle beneath soft skin.   
  
“Jace… Close.” Was all that Alec managed before he felt his entire body tense, thigh muscles and abs squeezing hard before he emptied himself down Jace’s throat.  
  
His parabatai swallowed as best as he could, only pulling back at the last moment, the tip of Alec’s cock still in his mouth and only letting go once Alec was spent and caressed his cheek shyly to let him know when to let go.  
  
Alec felt tears prickle his eyes and he didn’t know why at first. But the relief that washed over him next was a clue and he let himself slide down to the floor, sitting next to Jace, who wrapped him in his arms as if by reflex. They kissed, slow and soft, coming back to themselves and enjoying the unhurried tenderness.  
  
Soon though, Alec held up his pruny fingers and Jace laughed, switching the water off and throwing Alec a huge towel to dry himself with, taking one for himself too.  
  
In bed, Alec was reminded that even though they had shared his earlier release through the bond, Jace still hadn’t come, and he looked at his parabatai’s still hard and leaking cock, an obvious question on his features.  
  
Jace grinned and got the lube from the nightstand.  
  
“I want you to fuck me. With your fingers. I don’t need much at this point, but.. Just hold me and take me apart.” 

Alec’s vision went black for a second as arousal flooded him at Jace’s unabashed request. Jace was so unapologetic and so definitive about his pleasure, it filled Alec with awe and reassured him at all times that Jace was not doing him any favours or treating him with kid gloves.  
  
He did as he was asked, pulling Jace close and letting him settle with his head on Alec’s arm that rested on a pillow, squeezing some lube out onto his other hand and finding Jace’s entrance when his parabatai opened his legs and lifted one to let Alec touch him.  
  
He was so relaxed and turned on already that his body gave way a lot sooner and more easily than Alec expected but still he added more lube before moving on to two fingers.  
  
He would have gone a bit more cautiously and a bit more slowly about it, but Jace wanted to come and he wanted it soon.  
  
Alec was again living one of his fantasies. To be able to get Jace off so easily, without them doing any irreversible and complicated things that could lead to second thoughts or regrets, without his own limitations being in the way. He wanted to be in charge of Jace’s pleasure and to be the source of that pleasure. He wanted to see Jace’s mismatched eyes go dark and reflect his image as he leaned over him for a kiss. 

“Angel, yes!” Jace nearly screamed. One, because their bond had allowed him a short glimpse into Alec’s desires that were playing in his mind and two, because Alec had found his prostate and hit it full on. “Yes, fuck, right there.”  
  
Alec did as he was told and curled his fingers inside Jace, hitting that spot every time he pushed in and pulled out, moving his fingers so the hot, tight walls would not be neglected.  
  
He watched, transfixed, as it only took Jace a few strokes of Alec’s fingers inside him to come, back arching off the mattress and head thrown back, his parabatai’s name in an incoherent plea on his tongue. 

Alec kept his fingers where they were through Jace’s orgasm, feeling the tight channel squeeze rhythmically around them and watching Jace’s thigh, ab and chest muscles flex involuntarily as Jace was still lost to the sensations coursing through him.  
  
Alec looked at the streaks of pearly fluid on Jace’s abs and chest and remembered how good Jace had tasted to him the first time he’d blown him, feeling tempted to lap up the traces of his good work. But, as Jace came down from his high, he felt it would be inappropriate and dirty or offensive to his gorgeous parabatai.  
  
“Do it,” Jace said, having traced Alec’s gaze and guessing what was on Alec’s mind. “I told you. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

His toes curled when he felt Alec’s tongue on him, gathering all the traces of his release. His already spent body started to stir again and he felt overcome with love for Alec. He reached and pulled Alec on top of him, parting his thighs so their bodies could slot together seamlessly like Lego.  
  
Jace could taste himself on Alec’s lips and tongue as they kissed lazily and he suddenly became aware of Alec’s hard cock against his soft one.  
  
They both had the same thought at the same time and Jace nodded.  
  
“Awh fuck yeah. I want you inside me so bad. If you want that too.”  
  
Alec was turned on like crazy by Jace’s reactions and willingness to go anywhere with him. Without overthinking things too much, he guided himself into his parabatai’s willing body, closing his eyes and groaning at the intense pressure and heat.  
  
No one and nothing could have prepared him for what it felt like to be joined with Jace like this. He bit into the juncture of Jace’s neck with his shoulder, needing to anchor himself somehow.  
  
“Jace… it’s perfect. You are…” he whispered against Jace’s skin, which was now covered in a light sheen of sweat. 

He pressed further in, holding Jace’s legs open so he could go deeper. The feeling was intoxicating, addictive, and he knew that now he had tasted it, he would never have enough.  
He moved carefully, but deliberately, with sharp, long thrusts that took him almost all the way out before he slammed back in.  
  
It made Jace wail out his pleasure and close his eyes against the barrage of sensations. He held onto the headboard for a while, the arch in his back ensuring that every time Alec thrust into him, the feeling shot up his spine and back down, wrecking him further.  
  
Soon, it was too much to take and he wasn’t touching Alec, so Jace freed his hands and pulled his parabatai down with him so he could rest his hands on Alec’s shoulders.

Alec wanted even more though, and he brought his knees under him, lifting Jace off the bed in his arms until he could sit on the bed with his legs in front of him, lowering Jace back on his lap. This brought them even closer and allowed them to kiss without either of them straining himself.  
  
Jace rolled his hips into Alec’s upward thrusts. His spot was getting hit and grazed over constantly now and he could only cling to Alec with arms and legs, overwhelmed with how good and complete he felt. Alec himself was watching him with sheer adoration in his eyes, lost to the rest of the world beyond Jace in his arms.  
  
They were both close this time and the bond allowed them complete access to each other’s minds while they were joined this perfectly. Like communicating vessels, their souls mixed and flowed between them until there was no telling where one ended and the other began.  
  
Jace brought one of his hands down between them and pushed his fingers into Alec’s parabatai rune. It made Alec yelp and twitch up into him, fully controlled by Jace’s intent.  
  
“Come inside me. I need to feel that. Feel _you_.” Jace commanded and Alec obeyed, not without also touching his hand to Jace’s matching rune, pulling his parabatai over the edge with him. 

They remained locked together, shivering with the force of the release, and slowly, very slowly returning to their bodies and to their more bearable, everyday perceptions.  
  
This time it was Jace who went to the bathroom on wobbly feet, bringing a warm, wet towel and cleaning them both.  
  
Jace fell asleep soon, taking up nearly the entire bed, but still needing to rest his head on Alec’s chest.  
  
Alec remained awake a while longer, basking in the private bliss of getting to watch over his soulmate’s sleep. His heart felt full to the point of overflowing and he couldn’t help but feel he’d finally come away from being a broken piece of art in someone’s house.  
  
To one man, he was a broken vase, worthless because of the cracks and missing pieces. But to another, he was a kintsugi project - Jace had melted his own gold and filled Alec’s cracks, making him whole in a new way.   
  
Now, if only the rifts between the hell realms and this one were this easily fixed. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after. And Jace doesn't do the walk of shame. In his case, it's a victory march.

  
_Yesterday I cried_  
_You must have been relieved_  
_To see the softer side_  
_I can understand how you'd be so confused_  
_I don't envy you_  
_I'm a little bit of everything_  
_All rolled into one_  
_(Meredith Brooks - Bitch)_  
  


  
Jace woke up feeling warm and snug and knew immediately he hadn’t slept in his room. His bed was unwelcoming and cold and the sheets smelled old and dusty even though they got washed regularly, because he seldom slipped under the blankets. Usually he sandwiched himself between two blankets and slept like that, a dagger under his pillow and never stripping all the way, keeping track pants on in case of an attack.    
  
Now he was warm and he could smell something very pleasant and arousing. As his mind woke up some more, he realised it was Alec’s sleep-warm skin.    
  
Fully awake now, he allowed himself to take in the perfection of the moment. They were tangled together, legs and arms wound around each other, Jace’s head on Alec’s shoulder as he had climbed half on top during the night. They were both naked under the blankets and the feeling of skin on skin was so intimate and pleasant, Jace refused to stir and let Alec know he was awake for a while.    
  
Of course, when he did, Alec frowned down at him.   
  
“You’re not supposed to be here.” Alec said.    
  
“Good morning to you too,” Jace said, feigning annoyance. 

“No, I mean, you’ll get in trouble if you’re found naked in my bed.”    
  
“So… trouble. Is that what you call your mouth?” Jace gave back cheekily.    


Alec rolled his eyes.    
  
“Jace, this is important. Focus.”    
  
“No one knows I’m here. And, more important, no one goes to the bell tower to check on me. Besides, I don’t do the walk of shame. I only do the victory march. Face it, people already have a pretty graphic idea where I might be coming from with most of my clothes in my hand.”

“Thanks for reminding me.” Alec groaned and sank lower among the pillows. “Why am I in love with the one mortal being who may have slept with more people than Magnus has, in only a fraction of the time?”    
  
“Hey, multitasking has its merits,” Jace said, letting the slut shaming comment slide. He was used to people mocking him for having been around a lot, but usually it was envy, and in Alec’s case it was a bit more complicated. But he loved Alec and he allowed him to take shots at him. While not the healthiest of approaches, he wanted Alec to grow a spine and trust himself to say cutting words without cowering at the first sign of protest. “And hey, you said you love me, so that means all is okay?”    
  
“You are really not like any other Shadowhunter. Or warlock.” Alec said. “What we did… it was…”    
  
“Do you regret it?” Jace asked. “Do you feel weird about it now? Don’t.”    
  
“No, no, I don’t… and that’s the problem. Why can I go beast mode with you, but not with Magnus?”   


Jace looked pointedly at Alec.    
  
He didn’t need to say it, but Magnus wanted to fuck a pure, young, innocent Shadowhunter and add him to his keepsake box of experiences. Marriage had also been an “experience” for Magnus, since he had moved on at once, as though Alec had been a Tinder hookup who had lied about their height and hadn’t graduated to a second date.  _ Stone cold.  _ Jace understood that immortals saw and felt everything differently, that most love was relative to them, and that the only lasting love they had was for timeless people and things.    
  
Alec had that look on his face, the look he got when he was overthinking and twisting things so as to make himself out to be the bad guy.    
  
“No.” Jace said, putting his entire palm on Alec’s mouth and squeezing his lips in his fist. “Don’t fucking say it. And don’t think it.”    
  
Alec again rolled his eyes and settled for looking at Jace, face like thunder under Jace’s hand.    
  
When he was released from the ridiculous grip on his lips, he sighed.    
  
“Just… listen. I need to say these things to you, because if I don’t, they will rot me from the inside and down the line they will eat at us as a whole. And I don’t want that.”    
  
“Alright. I’m listening.” Jace said, settling back between the sheets and really listening.    
  
“Magnus was right. I did lie. But not just to him. To myself also. I told myself, he’s immortal, rich, powerful, what a catch. How convenient, too. No one could reach me if I was his husband. I wouldn’t have to listen to people say horrible things to my face or whisper behind my back and grin. And of course, it was easy to fall for Magnus, because say what you will, but he is very charming.”    
  
Jace let him finish, nodding and taking one of Alec’s hands in his.   


“I… Jace. It all sounded like a dream until I woke up into a nightmare. And it was only because I was looking at it from the other side. It all changed when I was looking at our wedding photos and I realised that I was already different from that young guy smiling from Magnus’ arm in the photos. Suddenly the idea that I was a rapidly decaying fruit while Magnus would be there, unchanged, long after I’m gone, hit me full on and it was so unbearable. I was so ashamed. Still am. I can’t… I’m so horrible, how can you, how can anyone look at me with anything else but disdain?”    
  
Tears had begun to spill down Alec’s cheeks and Jace gently wiped them off with the back of his hand. 

“I thought, the words we exchanged at the wedding meant such different things for Magnus and me. For me, forever is forever, until I’m no more. For him, it’s merely later.” Alec said.    
  
“And what about me?” Jace asked. “Where am I on this timeline?”    
  
“With you, forever is forever too. If you die first, I follow. I know for a fact I cannot live in a world without you. If you died, you’d take my soul with you. Not just a part. I’ve known that since we went to Edom. And I am certain that even if death separates us, it’s only temporary.”    
  
“Why do you think you’re horrible?” Jace asked gently. “We’re mortal. We don’t like to think about our deaths and we definitely don’t like to think about being saggy and unable to do our jobs or even the most basic everyday tasks. I say it’s unfair for any immortal to demand that you or any other Nephilim or human put aside their existential dread so that the immortal can be entertained for a bit. The sad part is… Magnus is not the only immortal, and yet they are all plagued by the same nightmares: losing touch with the times, becoming as immovable as mountains because they no longer have small things to care about and to look forward to, or even going insane because of loneliness and not being able to connect with a single soul around them. Magnus hasn’t figured out a reliable, lasting way of keeping the eternity dread at bay. He’s treating an open fracture with salve.”    
  
“Who knew we’d be having these conversations, you and I?” Alec wondered aloud, leaning in and kissing Jace’s cheek, the simple gesture a silent thank you.   
  
“Because you are the only one who’s seen my soul naked and knows all its wounds and scars, and I’m the same for you.” Jace said. “And with me you just know we’re not living to see eighty. Not with our jobs. And if we do, we’ll be those two annoying old guys fighting like cats over who is gayer or something equally ridiculous.” 

“I am gayer. I have a head start. It’s settled.” Alec said, a smile tugging at a corner of his mouth.

“Oh, look what you did. You didn’t have to make it into a contest…” Jace gave back, reaching over to Alec under the blanket and tickling his side, effectively defusing the gloomy mood.    
  
Soon, they both became aware of their pressing need to pee, and of it being time to get up and gear up for the day.   
  
Jace got out from under the blankets and leaned down to kiss Alec. It was a small, dry kiss to his closed mouth, with his hand lingering briefly on Alec’s chin. It wasn’t heated at all, but it was infinitely loving and intimate.    
  
“I love you, Alec. And whenever you feel broken and horrible, remember you have a crazy bastard who can take your love, as weird and twisted as you think it may be.”   
  
With those words, he gathered his clothes and only put on his briefs and his boots before heading for the door.    
  
When his hand was on the door knob, he turned, smiled and added:   
  
“And I was right. You totally turned me out, Alec Lighwood.”  
  
With a wink and another grin, Jace was gone, leaving Alec a mess of emotions.   
  
Which he decided to sort with his hand on his cock, replaying scenes from the previous night.    



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Alec goes to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another beloved character from a different TV series has a cameo!!!

Alec didn’t like having to see Magnus so soon. He felt very awkward and now that _some_ time had passed, he felt like he was rubbing salt in the wound by showing up with a request.  
  
He asked Izzy to excuse him from the mission, but Izzy confessed she had been in contact with Magnus and the warlock had been asking for Alec and had made his help conditional upon Alec being present.  
  
Alec felt himself shrivel inside. He hated doing things like this and he felt as though he had hurt Magnus enough by being a useless husband and a reckless liar. But the rifts between the hell realms and Earth did have to be sealed and, if the price was him cringing for a while, he’d gladly pay it. 

They met at the ruins of the Temple of Talto, where Magnus looked for an old book, with the pages made of human skin. The book had belonged to Asmodeus and it had been thought to be lost alongside its owner.  
  
When the Shadowhunters arrived, they found Magnus sitting on the altar, reclining in a very comfortable position and reading the book like it was L’Uomo Vogue. 

He didn’t have time for pleasantries so he cut right to the chase, addressing Isabelle as Head of the Institute.  
  
“I know what we’ve told the Clave, that we won’t help you with your plan. However, all warlocks are concerned about the influx of demonic energy into our world. The more demonic energy is in this world, the more it upsets the balance of energies and the weaker our magic becomes. Which is why Lorenzo and I have looked long and hard and found a way to fix the rifts. However… there are risks. And it has to be done by Shadowhunters alone. All we can offer is a potion that will allow a Nephilim to survive a trip to the other hell realms.”

“It sounds promising. I’ll go. Take care of this once and for all before other greater demons pick our world as their playground.” Isabelle said.

“Normally, I would expect your precious angels to fight their own war, but this is the kind of celestial beings we have to suffer under.” Magnus told Isabelle, his eyes fixed on Alec, who was looking somewhere into the darkness at the sides of the temple, finding it super-intensely fascinating.  
  
“Izzy, you cannot go! You’re our Head of the Institute! Let me go.” Clary said. “I need to score points with the angels and get back in their good graces. I would like my powers back.”  
  
“That is way too risky.” Isabelle said. “And precisely because you don’t have your powers back, you’re guaranteed to not make it out alive." 

“Why not send me? I have demon blood. I can survive Hell.” Simon suggested.  
  
“I object to that,” Magnus cut in. “You won’t survive and besides, in order to close the rifts, angel blood needs to be spilled onto the gem that powers the barrier between this realm and Hell.”

“Angel blood? Then send me, obviously. Done, decided.” Jace said.  
  
“How about hell no?” Alec spoke for the first time. “Jace, you’re way too vulnerable to demonic possession. You’ve been possessed multiple times and you came back from the dead. I will fight you over this. You’re not going. I should go. I have angel blood and I also have the best track record of killing greater demons.”  
  
“No!!!” Isabelle, Jace and Magnus all shouted.  
  
“Alec, you can’t go.”  
  
“But I will. I will make it back, too. A bit singed around the edges, maybe, but I’m coming back. I have a therapy session booked next month and I intend to keep that appointment.”  
  
Jace felt tears prickle his eyes. He wanted to throw his arms around Alec and try to dissuade him further, possibly even beg him not to go. However, all he could do with so many people around was flex his fingers forlornly, to get rid of the energy he would have channeled into the tightest hug he had ever wanted to give. 

“Are you sure, Alec?” Isabelle asked. “Do you have a plan or are you just trying to appear badass like the rest of us? Going to Hell is not as easy as Clary made it look when we went to destroy Edom.”  
  
“Yes I’m sure. And yes I have a plan. Do you know anyone more dead inside than me?” He asked, clearly not wanting an answer. “Thought so. In that case, if you don’t mind, Magnus, I’ll have that portal and that potion please.”  
  
Jace couldn’t help but think that Alec was unusually cold and calculated.  
  
Ever since Jace had shared his body with Alec, a sort of change of polarity had taken place in their bond. Alec had grown colder and more distant, and Jace had become fuzzier and clingier. He also felt warm all the time and like he was wearing an invisible fluffy blanket wrapped around him.  
  
He didn’t even notice that everyone else was saying goodbye to Alec, hugging him and wishing him a safe and swift return, too busy thinking of why he felt different and why Alec was distant.   
  
Magnus tried to stay professional, but couldn’t, and even he hugged Alec before giving him the potion and opening the portal. 

  
“Now, Alexander, be very careful not to drink or eat anything while you are there. You will encounter demons, but also tortured souls who condemned themselves to those realms. They will try to persuade you to stay, don’t listen to them and keep walking until you get to the Barrier Gem. You will be drawn to it, your angel blood will see to that. You will also know when the rifts are sealed. Once it is done, you need to summon the portal at once, before you bleed to death or the demons drawn to your blood get you. Remember, runes don’t work in Hell.” 

Alec nodded.  
  
“Thank you, Magnus. As usual, demons work hard, but you work harder.”  
  
He then patted Magnus’ shoulder, leaving the warlock feeling crushed. They were not two truckers meeting at the urinals in the truck stop, they had been married for heaven’s sake, and that was what Alec had for him?! A pat on the shoulder, which managed to be both condescending and infuriating?

“I do hope you return safely.” Magnus said, taking off one of his rings. “Use this to summon the portal. Just put it on and turn it once when you’re ready to come home.” He conjured a chain to put the ring on, so Alec could wear it around his neck.  
  
Alec took the ring and nodded.  
  
“I’ll be back before anyone misses me.”  
  
He then stepped through the portal, being quickly swallowed by the diminishing circle of light.  
  
Magnus burst into tears. He already missed Alec, he had missed him since the moment Alec had walked out of their shared home in Idris.  
  
He looked at Jace defiantly, through his tears, feeling overcome with jealousy. He never acted on such low emotions, but right then he really wanted to roll up his lace sleeves and beat the lights out of Jace.  
  
But, his rational mind told him, maybe Jace was not a part of his personal drama. Maybe Jace was simply a part of Alec’s life and Alec was the one who gave the parabatai bond such life-altering proportions. 

Magnus left, turning down Isabelle’s invitation to come spend the evening with them at the Institute, where Simon wanted to organise a movie night - complete with popcorn and group cuddles.  
  
Since Alec had walked out of his life, Magnus had lost his appetite for partying and going out. His old time friend Dot had acquired a castle in France, in a remote location, and she had given him the keys. He had been spending a lot of time there, with his cats and sometimes with Dot, who dropped by regularly.  
  
At least he had his father’s book now and he could use its contents to enhance his power and to repay Dot for her being a good friend, especially after he had rejected her during one of his on/off episodes with Alec.  
  
He spied on Jace for a bit, tracking him covertly, his jealousy not allowing him to move on so easily. 

What he saw made Magnus feel terrible about himself and made him appreciate Jace a bit more.  
  
Once he went back to the Institute with the others, Jace trained, then he raided the pantry and took a few sachets of something Magnus couldn’t see too well, going outside in the park behind the Institute and saying “pss pss pss!” softly, until a few cats appeared and he opened the sachets he had brought along, feeding the cats. They knew him, because they came to eat from his hand.  
  
Jace sat against a tree and let the cats climb on him or snuggle next to him, napping like that for a while until the animals left. Once the last cat left to attend to urgent cat business, Jace got up, rubbed the cat hairs off his clothes and went back inside, where he got ready for bed.  
  
Magnus perked up when he saw Jace, through his tracking spell, go into Alec’s room. But it was only to steal a t-shirt to sleep in, and Jace got into bed in his room in the bell tower, opening a book from his nightstand and starting to read.  
  
Magnus ended the tracking spell and he went back to his new book.  
  
Jace was a lot nicer when he thought no one saw him, he concluded, and the asshole front must have been a defensive mechanism. From what Magnus had gathered in time, Jace had been abused by all his caretakers while growing up, so it was a miracle he was so well adjusted and able to be so kind. He was starting to see that maybe Alec wasn’t unreasonable for being so attached to his parabatai.  
  
***  
  
In Hell, Alec was surprised by how peaceful it was. It looked creepy, like a city of obsidian blocks with sharp, threatening edges, but he walked through the clusters of obsidian without encountering any opposition. There were demons, but they were busy and not paying attention to him.  
  
He walked and walked and walked through what it felt all of Hell, until he arrived to the barrier gem.  
  
The demons guarding it were large and very powerful, and he got seriously injured while trying to get to the gem, but he used all his tactical skills to avoid getting held back, stepping on dead demons and even riding on the back of one until he was able to jump onto the surface where the gem stood, generating the barrier between worlds.  
  
Alec cut a deep wound with the dagger he had brought along his forearm, watching his blood trickle onto the gem. As it hit the unknown mineral, it opalised and became a material Alec had never seen before, that looked iridescent like opal, but did not act like it.  
  
He could feel his strength returning, slowly. The rifts had been sealed and his work was done. He could finally go home.  
  
As soon as he had taken the ring off the chain to use it, one of the guardian demons slapped it out of his hands with its powerful tail.  
  
Alec collapsed, unconscious from the blood loss and the exhaustion from the journey and from the fight.  
  
His last thought was of Jace. 

But it was not his time, nor his place to die alone in Hell. Strong arms picked him up and carried him home, to the sound of soft angel wings.  
  


***  
  
“Isabelle!!!” Magnus screamed, panicked like Isabelle had never seen him before. “You are all in danger!!! Leave the Institute right now! Something massive and threatening is coming!”  
  
He leaned against a wall, trying to catch his breath.  
  
They waited, weapons drawn, for the threat to crash down through the ceiling, or to walk in through the front door.  
  
But all they heard was a distant flapping of wings.  
  
Jace would have screamed if the stranger in his bedroom hadn’t effectively choked the sound down with a supernaturally strong hand around Jace’s throat.  
  
“Don’t scream, there’s no time. Heal him.” The intruder said and carefully laid Alec’s unconscious body onto Jace’s bed, watching as Jace reached for his stele and applied all the runes needed. 

Eventually, Alec stirred and his wounds began to close.  
  
“Good. Well now, sorry for being so dramatic, but I saw none of my brothers in Heaven were moving a muscle to save this poor boy. He single handedly fixed all the rifts in the Barrier between Realms and then he passed out. He would have died there so I had to fly him up here.”  
  
“Who are you, even?” Jace asked.  
  
Before him stood a tall, dark-haired man with pale white skin and regal features, wearing a Prada suit and Louboutin shoes.  
  
“Tell Alec I am in his debt. By sealing the Barrier, he made it possible for me to leave my throne for longer periods of time without things going haywire down there. I have a club in LA, you two and your friends should drop by sometime. Oh, and I’m Lucifer Morningstar.”  
  
With those words, he unfolded the most beautiful, pristine white huge wings Jace had ever seen and disappeared, leaving behind a few down feathers, which Jace gathered and put in his nightstand drawer.  
  
Next, he focused on Alec, who was slowly waking up.  
  
He was about to kiss him and welcome him back when Magnus, Izzy, Clary and Simon all burst in.  
  
“Jace! Jace what was that?!” Magnus asked, frantic. Everyone was panting and awaiting an explanation.  
  
“That was Lucifer, he brought Alec. He saved him, otherwise he would have died in Hell.” Jace said.  
  
“How did the actual Devil just set foot in an Institute?” Magnus asked. “I could pick up his energy signature from France!”  
  
“Lucifer is an angel. Warlock wards don’t have an effect on him.” Izzy offered. “Did he say anything else?”  
  
“Yes, that he is in Alec’s debt.” Jace said, still holding Alec in his arms, protectively and desperately, wishing everyone would just leave them alone.  
  
“May I check Alexander and make sure he is fine?” Magnus asked and Jace nodded.  
  
The blue magic sparks enveloped Alec and traveled around him for a bit, before Magnus concluded Alec was fine, he just needed to sleep Hell off. Although… on close inspection, Magnus discovered a chilling fact - Alec's soul had not made the journey back from Hell with him. He told Jace and the others to make sure Alec ate and drank something as soon as he woke up, to anchor himself back to this world. He told Izzy that maybe Alec's soul was just exhausted from its massive mission and was simply resting.   
  
Tired and still blown away by the knowledge he and the actual Devil had been under the same roof without him dying, Magnus excused himself and portaled back to France and to the considerable amount of alcohol he needed to cope with the events of the last few days. He honestly didn't know what he was going to do if Alec's soul didn't recover.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace finally figures things out.

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

(Meredith Brooks - Bitch)

  
  
Jace was filled with dread. Something was not alright with Alec, and even though Magnus had not told him anything after his magical check-up on his parabatai, he had felt it right away-  
  
In the way Alec looked at him. In the way he touched him. He was distant. Not all there.

And he knew what the others would tell him. “ _Give him time, he’s been to hell and back. He nearly died and Lucifer himself held him in his arms. One needs time to come back from that.”_  
  
But Jace knew. Something was terribly off with Alec and he needed to find out what it was and how to fix it. He couldn’t lose _his_ Alec so soon after getting him. 

For the time being, he kept his fears to himself and decided to treat Alec exactly like before until he found out what he was dealing with and how to fix it.  
  
The change in Alec became more and more obvious even to those around.  
  
When he sparred with Jace, he was more ruthless than before and didn’t spare Jace at all. He insisted on causing him more pain than it was necessary to have him tap out.

He also didn’t spare Izzy when he sparred with her, regardless of her being his little sister and his commander.  
  
Clary and Simon knew better than to get on the mat with Alec. They were, however, on the receiving end of cruel words and snappy clapbacks that Alec normally would have kept to himself.  
  
Still, they all gave him a pass because he had been to Hell, alone, and had survived.  
  
Survived. But he was not living.  
  
Jace spent a lot of time in the library, researching his big question. He even portaled to the library in Idris. 

He did see a pattern after a few days.  
  
He was the only thing able to keep Alec’s vicious tendencies in check. A touch from him, and Alec would bite his tongue. If he held his hand, Alec’s aggression would dissipate. 

After two days in which Alec kept to himself and didn’t seek anyone’s company, Jace decided to test his theory.  
  
After everyone had gone to bed, he snuck down to Alec’s room, finding him lying on the made bed, fully dressed, hands clasped together and resting on his chest.  
  
The way one would pose a body in a casket. 

Jace watched Alec for a bit, trying to read his own emotions about the picture before him. He found that, even though rationally he should have been terrified of what this change in Alec would mean and what it would bring upon them, inside he had a warm fuzzy feeling of “everything is going to be alright” and, even stronger than that, was the urge to wrap himself around Alec and spend the whole night close to him, touching him and taking him in through every sense and in every way possible. Alec may have been the one who had gone to Hell, but Jace had been the one left behind with the worries and the dark thoughts. Now he had Alec back and he didn’t care if he was, as Alec had said before leaving, “a little singed around the edges”.  
  
He took off his track pants, and once he was in his t-shirt and briefs, he grabbed a fluffy blanket from a linen cabinet and joined Alec in bed, covering them both with the blanket and settling close to his parabatai, one arm and one leg flung across Alec. 

Alec stirred when he felt the bed dip near him and he opened his eyes, greeting Jace with a smile and reaching for him to run his fingers through the golden strands. 

“I’ve been waiting for you, Jace.” He said. “What took you so long?”

“I was busy, you know I have duties and I get missions.” Jace replied. “Are you alright?”  
  
Alec looked lost for a moment, as if he was trying to find a good way to say what he wanted to say.  
  
“I don’t think I have much time, Jace.” He whispered. “Something is wrong with me. It feels like half of me is missing. I feel cold, warm, alone, safe, I can sense a threat coming and I can predict how a demon will strike… but I don’t… feel emotions like love for my little sister, friendship, not even the higher love I have for you as my parabatai… This is not me. The only thing that keeps me together is you being around because my body remembers your touch. Lucifer was stunned he could carry me out of Hell because he said, if I had had a soul, Hell would have kept me there.”  
  
“Tell me what you need, how I can help.” Jace said, bracing himself for absolute worst. He had once asked Alec to kill him too if he was lost to demonic possession. But Alec had not given up on him. He had no intention to give up on Alec either, but it seemed like time was running out for both of them.  
  
Jace fought back tears and listened to Alec as he spoke again.  
  
“I don’t want to live without a soul, Jace. Even if I wanted to, I won’t live long without a soul. But I want my last days on Earth to be with you. I think the reason I feel so much better while you are near is because you are my parabatai and our bond recognises me and tries to pull me back to how things were, to fill that void that’s left in the bond on my side.”  
  
“Alec, I don’t feel a void?” Jace said, his voice breaking. “I can only feel fear from your side of the bond, but given the situation, that’s normal.”  
  
“No it’s not. The bond is broken. I don’t feel anything. If I felt fear I’d be able to feel love too.” Alec said. “There is something I do want to ask you though.”  
  
“Anything.” Jace said hastily, regretting it instantly when he thought that Alec might ask him to take his life. 

“I don’t want to die without having known… I want to be yours. And the one small comfort is that my fears and hangups aren’t here to keep me from enjoying it.”  
  
Jace nearly sobbed into Alec’s shirt, hiding his face away for a long moment.  
  
What Alec was asking of him was monumental and harder than if he had asked him to kill him.  
  
He wanted nothing more than to claim Alec’s body and make love to him, be one with him the way Alec had shown him they could be right before he had left for Hell. But, without his soul being there, what was really left of Alec and was it even the boy Jace had grown up with and had grown to love? Was he Alec, hurt in a way no human or Nephilim could comprehend and accept, or was it just a stranger, a template of a person that had once been home to what made it into his Alec?  
  
“I understand if you can’t, or won’t.” Alec said. ”But my mind knows you are the best thing that ever happened to me, and my body remembers the truth of it. At least I will die knowing that the world you’re in is safe from evils we are not equipped to fight.”

Jace felt the tears he had fought back overcome him and run down his cheeks. Alec’s words had made his decision an obvious one.  
  
“I did say _anything_.” He said. “I don’t want to lose you, Alec. I love you so much it scares me. But if this is all we are allowed, it’s yours. I could never refuse you anyway.” 

It was beyond heartbreaking, but hadn’t that been the one constant in his life? _To love is to destroy._ Jace sat up next to Alec and watched him. He had relaxed and from the outside one couldn’t tell a huge part of him was missing. 

Rationally, Jace knew he was committing a sin against everything pure and true by indulging Alec’s request. But his heart, his soul - they were both screaming “Yes!” inside him. And his feeling that everything would be alright from earlier was curling more tightly around him, like a physical hug that trickled warmth and safety into him. It was strange, but he couldn’t focus on it at that time.  
  
Alec undressed himself with efficiency, throwing the clothes onto the floor, something he wouldn’t have been caught dead doing under normal circumstances. He also helpfully retrieved a bottle of lube from his nightstand and put it somewhere close to Jace.

He smiled up at Jace.  
  
“Don’t be sad, it could have been much worse. I could have died without getting to say goodbye.”  
  
“And I would have followed shortly after.” Jace gave back, undressing as well. “You have no idea how much I love you. I would have gone to Hell too, so your soul would not be alone in there forever.” 

“Then it is most fortunate I made it out?” Alec offered, leaning in and capturing Jace’s lips in a kiss.  
  
The touch was familiar and Jace’s traitorous body didn’t think anything was missing, responding in the spectacular way it always did when Alec touched Jace, even casually.  
  
Jace deepened the kiss, listening to his need, letting his hands roam Alec’s chest and sides, feeling the warmth inside him stretch out and slip over to Alec as well.

Tomorrow was never guaranteed for Shadowhunters, and it was a fact he had accepted ever since he was five years old. If this was all the time he was allowed to have with Alec, he would make it feel like forever.

Alec let himself fall back among the pillows and he pulled Jace along with him, until Jace’s hips were flush with Alec’s, cradled between Alec’s parted legs.  
  
They kissed like they had an eternity just for that, Jace’s last traces of apprehension melting away. He allowed himself to worship every little bit of Alec his lips could get to, his hands following in their wake. 

When he came back up to resume kissing Alec, there were dark marks all over his parabatai’s body: on his inner thighs, his hips, his pecs, his neck. Jace fully intended to enjoy watching his marks of ownership even as he claimed the last bit of his parabatai. 

“If you only knew how beautiful you look” Jace purred, running soft fingertips over his parabatai’s thighs, then up his abs and chest, kneeling up and taking Alec’s hard and by now leaking cock in his hand, stroking it with knowing precision. He thought of what he liked and watched Alec even as he writhed on the bed and pushed himself up into Jace’s grip.  
  
“I hope there’s less looking and more doing in the cards for us soon.” Alec deadpanned, making Jace laugh despite himself. 

“You’re not calling the shots here, Lightwood.”  
  
“I feel like people who’ve been escorted out of Hell by the Devil himself get some degree of… fuck!” Alec’s cheeky reply was interrupted by the feeling of two of Jace’s fingers spreading lube over his entrance. “Impunity.” He finished what he was going to say.

Jace couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up inside him. He loved this cheeky Alec who had no filter - and from then on Alec’s request stopped feeling like a painful goodbye.  
  
As they melted into each other and Jace made room for himself inside his parabatai, he also felt the comfy, secure feeling that had been enveloping him pour over into Alec as well, right before all their runes lit up golden and Alec burst into laughter as well.  
  
Jace saw _his_ Alec return into the body beneath him and he felt overwhelmed for a long moment, bending down to rest his forehead against Alec’s before kissing him full of adoration and relief, finally understanding everything.  
  
“You’re back, you clever bastard. And you’re all mine.” He whispered heatedly, angling himself in such a way as to bring Alec to the edge. “All you need to do now is let go and come for me.”  
  
He knelt back, pulling Alec along easily, resting him on his spread thighs and pushing up into him, hitting his spot on every thrust. Moments later, Alec was spilling himself between them, pulling Jace along into a shared release that left them both a panting, messy heap. 

“Jace…” Alec said, shaking his parabatai and not even paying attention when their bodies separated. “Jace, I’m whole again. You… you fixed me.”

Jace grinned smugly.  
  
“That good, huh?”  
  
“Oh no no no, don’t you dare think it! Or say it.” 

“My angelic dick fixed you.”  
  
“Oh, fuck you.”  
  
“The fact that you can even say that with _my_ come dripping down _your_ thighs is a flex and I respect it.” 

This was as far as Alec’s newfound boldness went and he became serious again.  
  
“Jace, what happened? What really happened? One moment I was fading away, the other I was back.”  
  
Jace busied himself cleaning them both with a warm, wet washcloth he had brought from the bathroom before he spoke.  
  
“The night before we went to meet with Magnus and you went to Hell… after we made love, I felt this warm, fuzzy feeling envelop me… telling me without words it was all going to be alright and filling me with joy even as on the outside things went from bad to worse. Initially I thought that it was the parabatai bond reacting to us becoming intimate in that way too. Then I felt it intensify while you were in Hell and becoming more contained when you returned.”  
  
“What does that mean? What was it?” Alec asked, even more confused at this point.  
  
“Alec, it was your soul. For some reason, it chose to hide inside me while you went to Hell. It knew what lay ahead and it saved itself, you, me and the entire world. It made sure your mission didn’t fail and you returned to me. I knew it was your soul because… that feeling, that safety and that quiet joy it made me feel all the time… that’s what I feel when I’m with you.”  
  
Many minutes passed in silence, with Alec ruminating over Jace’s words.  
  
“You really are the only home my soul knows, Jace. I love you so much.” Alec said reverently, leaning close to kiss Jace. “Also: I’m ready to go another round.”


	10. Epilogue

No one besides Alec and Jace knew what had happened that had brought back the Alec they all knew and loved. 

Magnus dropped by the Institute a month or so later, needing to speak to Isabelle. On the way to the Head of the Institute’s office, he walked past the inner courtyard where Jace and Alec were currently sparring, taunting each other and laughing at only they knew what. 

One year prior, it would have broken his heart to see his beautiful ex-husband spar semi-naked with his parabatai, out of his reach. But right now, he found he felt only relief to see Alec was doing well and his soul seemed to have returned to its usual place inside him. 

He wasn’t planning to ask how that had been possible, because he had read all about Nephilim setting foot in Hell and what happened to them - in his father’s skin-bound book. And he knew for a fact Alec shouldn’t be alive at all.

As for souls knitting themselves back together with the body they had belonged to… it turned out only angelic magic could do that. 

Magnus walked on. Messy Nephilim and their drama were no longer his business - regardless how pretty the Shadowhunters coming to him for help were. He also knew that his resolve would probably only last until the next comely angel-blooded creature he came across, but that was a bridge he’d burn when he got to it, not sooner. 

Right now he needed to get things done with Isabelle so he could be back with Dot before dinner. He’d finally found a girlfriend who was not only just as magical as him, but could also eat, cook and drink right alongside him, and he knew better than to squander that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Please consider leaving kudos and a comment :)


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